chili

A very long day today between work and piano lessons and a vestry meeting at church, but luckily for me another blogger lives in this house. Secondo wrote this post for school, and graciously agreed to share it. I find it quite amusing, because he was a kid who hated spicy food. And now his prize possession is a Sriracha Sauce t-shirt.

Given the cold weather blowing in, it will be perfect chili weather for a couple more days at least.

Well I came home from a hard track run and core workout to a house that smelled like tomatoes, beans and beef. That's right. Chili.

Now don't think that I'm a genius or something with chili. I have no idea how to make it or what goes into that stuff but I AM  a master of spicing up chili with things that range from India all the way to China and bring it back to the greatest country in the world, America.

Here is the first and only rule of chili seasoning: If you are eating chili and your mouth is not on fire and your eyes aren't tearing up then you are doing something very wrong. If you find yourself in one of these situations, then just refer to my blog. Don't worry, the sad age of "mild" chili is over (and yeah mild is just a term they use to describe watered-down baby's formula, if you are eating mild hot sauce or mild salsa, you ain't real).

Refer to exhibit A, the building block of all good chilis. Yes, you can now go to [the biology teacher] and protest that there is a new monomer, and it is Chili 3000. And yes, if you synthesize Chili 3000, you get a polymer, that is great chili. (Pardon my biology talk, we learned this stuff like what? Two months ago? How can you expect me to remember this stuff?) This is a building block of chili. Chili is life. So Chili 3000 is a building block of life. Take that, science.

If you don't already have it, click on [the link] to go buy some. Totally worth it. 

All right, so now you have the base in your chili. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. You need to add something to make this chili yours. If not, this could be anybody's chili, it could even be mine, it could be Victor Cruz's for all I know, is it even yours bro, who's chili is this, and why are my tastebuds crying from boredom rather than pain? You gotta add some extra sugar and spice, and everything nice. Except no sugar and nothing nice this is meant to light your mouth on fire. Now, when I was a seasoning novice, I used Tabasco. This stuff is an okay hot sauce, but it is all the same and lacks a quality. Don't get me wrong this stuff serves as a great set of training wheels, but when you are looking to impress your homies or wreck havoc on your digestive system, it isn't really the best hot sauce for the job.

When you are ready to man up (or woman up... I don't know) you must turn to the greatest hot sauce ever, Sriracha. Made in Thailand, so you know its legit, this stuff is chili pepper sauce, garlic, sugar, and salt. This stuff is insanely good, and is getting easier to find every day. Just pour as much into your chili as you please , I'm not the kind of guy to tell someone else how much hot sauce is enough... but I will. You have to add a couple hefty squirts of this stuff for it to have a solid effect but once it does, you are set. Shoutout to my Dad, he introduced me to this stuff when I was 10 and now I'm introducing it to you. Enjoy.

Once all this is done, you taste the chili. If it is needed, sprinkle in some salt, even if it isn't needed add some diced hot peppers, cook's choice.

You may now enjoy the chili, but beware, this stuff was classified by the U.S. military as "highly dangerous, moderate bio-chemical weapon". Not really, but you should call 911, because there will be a fire in your mouth. No, no, no don't do that, that's how you get arrested. But you definitely should have a pan of cornbread and a lot of water readily available because this will destroy most of your mouth if you don't. I wish ya the best of luck. 

Comment if you try any of this stuff, or if you have any suggestions for my next chili.